Xterrestris

mgakwentonialingrodrigo:

I couldn’t bear

To lose you in memory

More do it pains me

To crumple the love

I have solely for you

In my mind, you are

My infant memory,

In my heart, you are

A throbbing symphony.

So when you left

A parting word

Bidding me goodbye,

I lost myself

In the midst of lonesomeness

I tried my best

To console my sadness

But I couldn’t,

For I am but a mortal being.

I cried like a child

That’s all I could find

An outlet to my sorrow,

But the more

I found myself in oblivion.

As long as my

Blood flows thru

The veins of my heart;

As long as I am alive,

I shall not forget you.

How could I ever Learn to forget you,

When you have become

A part of my life?

In my mind, you are

My infant memory,

In my heart,

you are A throbbing symphony.

inspired by NAC

Last Sunday Bebeng hit Mertro Manila. I realized summer is over. Along with the ponderous rain and strong wind, depression came to visit me like a storm. It was the perfect setting to make me feel sad and blue. A strange night, while everyone was panicking at home, I was too busy experiencing a sudden flash back of all the dark thoughts, feelings and problems. My skeletons in the closet finally caught up with me.

As an escapist I have an inclination to retreat from unpleasant reality, I have my own technique of escaping from chains through the practice of engaging in activities that enable me to avoid having to deal with reality. Escapists create a diversion or fantasy, drug abuse is often regarded as a form of recreation. We will do everything in our power to avert from the ache, agony and torment of truth. But just like in every fantasy there’s a villain. So, when the demon I have been hiding from my fantasy finally found me, I wanted to break away and bolt. However, his hands clenched on to me tightly. I had to take drastic measures before succumbing into his hands. And the only thing I could think of is self-destruction, suicide.

I wanted to die as he clenched on to me. The more I struggled, the more his grip became tight. The fantasy world I have created to shelter me became a horrific nightmare. Together with the rain and wind, Bebeng brought with her the dark side of what I have been trying to conceal from everyone.

Whenever there are storms it easily floods in Metro Manila, when it floods all the garbage resurfaces. It was like looking at my own garbage that I just threw and didn’t want to deal with. I created my own mountain of garbage. And that garbage turned into a demon.

The demon that I have neglected, was also me. For the longest time I locked up all my detrimental sentiments. That night with Bebeng I became aware of how broken I was. Everything seemed so fucked up in my life. I hated what I saw in the mirror. It was unbearable for me to look at.

Bebeng and I are comparably similar. We leave an impression of how mighty, forceful and unyielding we are. She bolts in and out of the country in such manner not leaving any tracks, an escapist. However, in reality we are feeble, weak and fragile. Eventually Bebeng will die down.

Just a little girl, scared and struggling to hold on to something or someone. 

Now I am left with the question: Am I better off dead?

Let me melt the frozen

Memory of our past;

Let me recount my sorrows

Then let me regret, let me forget

Relapse

How long can rehabilitation take? Will it take a week? Hmmmm probably a month? Or Forever? The problem is, there are days you think you’re recovering and you become proud of your improvements but then it hits you, you seem falling back to your old self.

The drug makes you an addict; you won’t forget how good it is. Then it hits you that it isn’t just a happy drug. It will betray you eventually, it will betray you at a time you would least expect. At a point you’re in your cloud 9, then bam! You’re inside a nightmare. You fight the urge, but it will attack you and haunt you. Even if you know what it has done to you, you still can’t get enough of it. You’ll search for its healing and happy effects. The more you fight it, the more you crave for it.

You think of all the negative effects it has brought in to your life, a way of trying to be immune to the drug. But the drug is selfish, at a time you seem to be moving forward it presents itself to you again, it tempts you. And it shows itself in a way you would put your trust in it again; make you forget how destructive it can be. Then you become vulnerable, because you feel it’s the only thing that understands you and you stop fighting the urge. However, it deceives you the second time. You come crashing back again, you find yourself in relapse.

Although during the second betrayal you become better in concealing the agony and torture. The second time you’ll know how to smile when you are about to weep. You try to replace the addiction with alcohol; they say drinking will help you forget, but after one too many you know you’ll never forget. I still think about it like it was yesterday.

Even if it betrayed me, the funny thing is, one day I will try it again, since most of the time we spent together it made me joyous. However, I know one more step with it, all that’s waiting for me is regret. Deception is brutal; you learn it to live half alive. Rehab will take forever, you just get better in pretending that you’re all right. Addicts say that they’ll perpetually fight the enticement of how good and bad the drug is. And my addiction is incurable. 

i played hard-to-get because i needed to know if your feelings are real